The Neo-Platonic Maze

Happy

2009-02-12T18:26:00Z

I am happy to be happy.

Today

2008-11-18T01:20:49Z

I am happy today and dancing. Wow! Life is good.

Walking and Listening to Music

2007-09-13T02:19:06Z

I forgot until recently how wonderful it is to walk and listen to music. It is said that Aristotle had his greatest thoughts while he was walking. Thus his students got a workout of sorts following him around the grounds of his campus as he lectured.

I compose poetry in my head as I walk. This may appear strange to onlookers, but i will try out cadences and metric regularities out loud. Poetry and walking each have their rhythms, and changes in tempo and mood.

Be Like Water

2007-08-28T18:58:40Z

The soul that companies with Virtue is like an ever-flowing source. It is a pure, clear, and wholesome draught; sweet, rich, and generous of its store; that injures not, neither destroys. (Epictetus)

The supreme good is to be like water which nourishes all things without trying. It is content with the low places that people disdain. In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present. When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you. (Lao Tzu)

Water, water everywhere nor any drop to drink. (Cooleridge)

Worst Pride Ever

2007-06-25T20:06:41Z

Oh for crying out loud! This was the worst Pride ever... 2007. The only bright spot in an otherwise dreary weekend was watching the parade on Capitol Hill with my friend and his buddies.

Otherwise it was totally lame.

I spent it pretty much alone. I could have gone down to the parade at the Seattle Center on Sunday, but by then I had already become demoralized and misanthropic.

I walked around Broadway and Pike and Pine watching everyone else in groups of three or more enjoy themselves. I said "hi" to everyone I passed. Still I was outside looking in. Its difficult lately to find my own group of Gay Friends, buddies, dudes who would hang out with me, go to metal shows, throw a frisbee around, quaff a few beers with on a Saturday night.

Oh well. Next Year will be better.

Weight Training

2007-06-07T05:47:13Z

For the past seven weeks, I have been working out twice a week with a personal trainer. Yes, he's handsome... but darlings, I pay him to yell at me and make my body hurt all over and nothing else...really.

We -- he and I -- are doing a wonderful job. My body fat has dropped to the lowest it has been since I was in Graduate School. I have gained several pounds of muscle faster than I ever thought possible. In fact I have begun to show off my body at bars by wearing tight tank tops. I have gone from a large shirt size to a medium. I have a newfound confidence in my appearance. Not bad for a man rapidly descending into middle age.

A few weeks ago, a young man saw me at a bar and asked our mutual acquaintance who I was. We sat on a sofa together and I held him until closing time and they kicked us out. I saw him again a few days later, and we talked. The bartender remarked that he looked quite taken with me.

I saw him again the next week at a dance. We also spent some time holding each other, along with a couple of other guys who joined us.

I saw the bartender last night and he asked me where my boy was. I told him that I thought it was merely an affectionate flirtation. This is truly what it was.

I haven't really changed that much. I'm still shy. I still take a copy of Middlemarch with me to the bar in order to thumb through it as I sip my rum & diet. I still feel awkward and like an outsider. But there are things I've never done before. For instance:

Last week, I was sitting at the bar and drinking diet coke (no rum) and a couple of men whom I have seen at the bar before were sitting near me. A photographer entered the bar and was about to take their pictures for a magazine that is distributed free in Northwest Bars (Oregon, Washington, British Columbia) One man ducked out of the way. I leaned over to him and extended my hand. He held my hand and I said, "You're a handsome man. You didn't let your picture get taken. I don't understand." He said he didn't like his nose. Now whenever I see him he smiles at me and says "Hello." I have never told someone spontaneously like that that I thought he was handsome. Something very profound has changed in me.

Energy and Resolve

2007-04-19T04:53:17Z

The world belongs to the energetic. -- Emerson

The truest wisdom in general is a resolute determination. -- Napoleon

Energy? Resolve? Wish I had those. Alas. Within my psyche there is only entropy.
\

Tomorrow becomes Yesterday

2007-03-29T22:41:07Z

So I'm not sure what to make of the new year as it approaches -- my birthday is coming up soon -- I don't know. I look back at my life, nothing much has really changed.

I need to take projects off the backburner. Take the bull by the horns, somehow finding the energy and confidence to move byond my habit of procrastination. Am I afraid? Perhaps. In the end, Of course, as the Elder Edda says, "A brave man can live well anywhere."

I need to learn to promote myself and my accomplishments. This means in part that I need to not denigrate what I've accomplished, even if those accomplishments seem remote and half-forgotten.

My New Toy

2007-03-27T04:06:28Z

I bought an ipod the other day and now I am a plugged-in person, wandering the streets with my own personal soundtrack. I notice now how many people -- many, many people -- are also ipod people. It's like being part of a not-so-secret society.

Year Ahead

2007-03-10T22:10:44Z

My birthday is coming up. I spend the time of Aries (March 21st to April 20th) re-examing my life. The time for such examination is a mere 11 days away. I plan to put the examination off until the sun enters my sign.

My twin will be visiting March 21st to March 25th. That will a great way to enter into my new year.

Great changes are instore for me. I merely have to spend the time building the foundations.

I've been feeling popular lately; strangely, however, I have also retreated, and I have not spent much time with anyone. Perhaps this a preparation for my beginning things anew. There is a spiritual quality about my retreat. For any of you who haven't heard from me lately, I apologize for my silence.

Stagnation is Death

2007-02-11T02:00:49Z

I am ready to move on, to find a new place for myself. The time is right for me to go forward. I want to make it so that new and possibly unpredictable possibilities are open to me. I have been writing about going back to school for almost two years now, but i was waiting until I became vested in the state retirement system. That will happen on October 5th of this year. I wait patiently for October. I gather my strength. Now is the time to make preparations. It's going to take dedication, resolve and effort to shake myself loose from the chains of predicablity and secruity that fasten me to this city and job. The chains must be cast off. The dreams I wrote about in my last entry are nice, but I want to make this move not to acheive them, but because stagnation is death. I want to live.

Nothing Keeping Me Here

2007-02-09T03:54:20Z

I am merely a spectre wandering the streets of Seattle, unnoticed, unheeded, unknown. I walk the city as an invisible wraith who looks on at the activity about me, and who has no ability to affect it.

Fact is there is nothing keeping me here. My job leads nowhere. The cost of living is outstripping my financial ability. When I first moved here more than a decade ago, I thought I would settle down, establish roots, find a boyfriend and make a life for myself. My real dream was simple: friends, a husband, a career, a modest house in a city that opens its arms. But I have none of these things.

I have acquaintences, romantic rejection, sex without intimacy, a dead-end job, a tiny apartment, a city that closes itself off from me. There's not a soul out there.

I think it's time to move on. By January of next year I expect to be gone. I will set that as a goal to get out of this god-forsaken hellhole. I should get while the getting is good. I should leave before I am too old to begin a new life. I should go before the inertia calcifies me. I should move away while I still have some self-respect.

Since My Last Post

2007-01-24T22:24:59Z

What I’ve Spent My Time Doing Since My Last Post

Watching the first two seasons of Gillligan’s Island
Reading two books: Silas Marner and Stoic Warriors
Secretly (?) checking out the handsome bartender at Purr.
Sleeping way too much
Doing the pointless weight training thing – lots o’ work, little progress
Saw Pan’s Labyrinth – loved it loved it loved it
I celebrated Edgar Allan Poe's birthday. (January 19th) This is a personal tradition that has been observed by my Twin and I since we were sophmores in high school. We usually invite people over for a glass of Amontillado. We read a poem by Poe and ask other people thier own read poems. This years, as in the last few years, my brother and I sent each other e-mails and did a virtual toast. He's in Spokane this year. Last Year he was in Belarus. Before that, Spokane again.
Getting ready for my vacation next month.

My Winter so Far

2007-01-11T17:59:21Z

I stopped off at the Metropolitan for a beer and a bowl of Mac-N-Cheese yesterday after work. Not much has been happening in my life lately; mostly I spend my time hibernating, sleeping, reading. I’m in the middle of a great novel, and it’s got me hooked. I haven’t even been going out as much as usual.

New Years

2007-01-02T17:57:28Z

I had a great New Year's Weekend. Did some partying, some connecting, lots of sleeping. I read some, wrote some. I missed my work out because the gym cut back its hour for the holiday. Still I had a wonderful time.

Late Night Visit

2006-12-29T22:32:43Z

Last night, I was awakened at 4 A.M. (!!!) by a hobo pounding on my door and someone else ringing my door bell. I answered the door saying, "It's four in the morning. Who are you?" he said he was looking for David. I said that I don't know who David is. He peered around me as if David was hiding in my apartment. After assuring him again that I had no idea who David is, I shut my door.

1) Who visits someone at four in the morning?

2) How did he get in the door to the apartment complex in the first place?

3) Who is David?

4) And why was it so urgent that they talk to him at such an ungodly hour?

Speech and Silence

2006-12-06T01:09:14Z

It is a good to know the season for speech and the season for silence. -- Seneca

Thoughts for the Day

2006-12-04T16:12:03Z

1. No longer wander aimlessly; for neither wilt thou read thy own memoirs, nor the acts of the ancient Romans and Greeks, and the selections from books which thou wast reserving for thy old age. Hasten then to the end which thou hast before thee, and throwing away idle hopes, come to thy own aid, if thou carest at all for thyself, while it is in thy power.

-- Marcus Aurelius

2. I don’t always get what I want. Despite this I continue to put myself out there. I remind myself, that should my enthusiasm wane, I can still move forward. Fact is, all-in-all my life is pretty good. Disappointment is part of life. But so are passion and kindness. It is not productive to lament the few frustrations. I keep walking on, one step at a time, enjoying the scenery and the activity around me.

3. My Horoscope Reads: Love interests who are ready to go the distance are more concerned with what's inside than what's outside. Long conversations and genuine interest in your opinions are two big clues that they're quality suitors.

4. Notice that my horoscope says nothing about someone actually showing up in my life who might be interested in me. Oh well....

5.   I am content to follow to its source
      Every event in action or in thought;
      Measure the lot; forgive myself the lot!
      When such as I cast out remorse
      So great a sweetness flows into the breast
      We must laugh and we must sing,
      We are blest by everything,
      Everything we look upon is blest.
                                                         -- W. B. Yeats

6. Tonight is the monthly Spelling Bee at the Rebar. I’m looking forward to it. Even though I don’t get up on stage, I still enjoy it when other people do. It’s pretty fun entertainment, and I get to hang out with good people.

Thanksgiving

2006-12-04T02:44:30Z

Yes I had a pretty good Thanksgiving. I took a train down to Olympia and visted my brother and his family. We watched a couple movies on his VCR. My mother and I spent the night in a hotel and she took me up to Seattle the next day.

It was the first Thanksgiving in a long time that my family was spread so far and wide and weren't able to have dinner together. My twin and sister are both in Europe. My oldest brother spent the holiday with his wife's family.

But all in all it was pretty good. Mellow, low key, pleasant.

Whatever

2006-12-04T01:56:31Z

I spent the day writing. At this rate my short story may be done by 2012.

Last Night

2006-12-03T02:18:50Z

After work ended, I went to the gym and managed a pretty good chest and tricep workout. I scheduled a session with my personal trainer -- a young man with the most beautiful olive green eyes.

I then walked two or so miles home. I fried me up some Spam and ate raw brocoli. I sat at my CPU and worked on the story that will never be finished. Maybe I should give up on it.

I then went to a newish bar called Sugar. The HIV Vaccine Unit was having a celebration of it volunteers. Drag Queens abounded. Lady Chablis was even there. An aquaintence of mine, Tim, came in and sat with me at the bar. We agreed that the crowd was rather young. We reminisced about our own youthful days when everything seemed so easy and the world seemed to welcome us in. Now, well, we're pushing middle age if not already there and things have changed. Oh how fast it all went by! And it will go by quickly for the young men in the bar as well.

"Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes." -- Ecclesiastes

The bartender, who is a friend of Tim, kept slipping free vodka tonics to him. I confessed a strong attraction to the other bartender. ( * Note to self: get over this habit of having crushes on bartenders and waiters. * ) The bartender I like is certainly not classically handsome. Nontheless he has this powerful, good natured energy that gives me a thrill just looking at him. Tim said, "When you get to be our age the looks don't matter so much. We look for guys who are nice." Yes, that's true. Nonetheless I find the bartender incredibly sexy.

Tired of feeling like old farts we went to another bar, Purr, whose crowd is mostly guys in our age group. Tim bought me a rum and diet and for himself a blueberry vodka concoction. We found a place to stand in the crowded bar. We had barely found our spot when Tim announced, "I'm going to find a cute guy." He then walked away. I sat alone, surrounded by shiny happy people in groups of four or five. Sitting alone, outside groups of people is certainly a leitmotiv in my life. Usually I take the Whitman/Jacobs stance and just absorb all the energy about me. I feel that I am a part of what is going on around me even as I sit apart. This is usually a good strategy. Lately however it doesn't satisfy me as much as it once did. Perhaps I'm losing faith.

I wondered if Tim were coming back or not. I drank my rum and coke slowly. It took me about half-an-hour to finish it. I looked around the bar and couldn't see him anywhere. So I started on his drink and finished it in about 25 minutes. I then left abruptly. I feel guilty about consuming his drink, too. An hour is a long time to wait alone, however, and if I had just left, his drink would have been confisgated by the barback anyway. It's a sad thing to let perfectly good alchohol go to waste.

I dislike being abandonded. This is also a leitmotiv in my life. Far be it for me to question my lot. The Fates do as they wish. My obligation is to walk through my life willingly and quietly.

A Good Observation by Margaret Cho

2006-12-01T21:12:13Z

Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever. -- Margaret Cho

War on X-Mas

2006-11-28T17:31:32Z

As a Pagan who does not - obviously - celebrate Christmas, I am aware of my minority status most keenly at this time of year. I remember one Christmas when I went in to a music store and was wondering where the import cds I had ordered three months before were. I had found one especially rare one in the stacks and was concerned that the others had been placed in the stacks and sold. The sales person was really rude to me. When I said, "I am only asking simple question." He replied that it was Christmas and that he had so many people come in here today and harass him. I said, "Look, I'd ask this question whether it was Christmas or not. I'm not a Christian so I am blameless in this. Blame the Christians for deciding they all must shop on the same day. I am merely going about my business as I would any other day of the year." They ended up re-ordering the other cds because they had indeed put them out and sold them.

There is no war on Christmas. Christians can buy presents for each other, sing stupid songs, roast chestnuts, I don't care. No body cares. There is no constitutional amednemt aginast Christmas. The president attends a Christmas Tree ceremony every year. We see enactments of the silly angels and stable story every year on commercial television. Despite what the AFA says, Pagans, Jews and other non-Christians are not "the worst elements in our society." A great element in our society is the respect we give to people who do not share our religious or spiritual beliefs. I have no need to convert people, and neither should they. I have no desire to impose my religion into the public sphere, and neither should they.

I'm not going to be one of those pricks who harp on X-mas as a celebration of capitalist excess, even though it is. I realize that Christians are highly materialistic despite all this heaven and hell nonsense. It only stands to reason that as the middle class rose to power, it would incoproate its new found concern for possessions and power into their religion. Hadn't kings and popes been doing this already for centuries? I will, however, aplaud any retailers or municiplaities who recognize that we are not all Christians, and that everyone has right to celebtare capitalist excess without being reminded that we live under both government and business that has a decided pro-Christian bias.

So fuck Cristmas, fuck all the little cutsie mangers scenes -- fuck the plastic camels -- to hell with the little drummer boy -- fuck the virgin Mary and Joseph -- to hell with all this claptrap about redemption and original sin. Just my opinion.

Seattle Spleen Part Three

2006-11-22T20:08:50Z

Seattle is at least potentially a nice city. I didn't fit in too well when I first arrived here. I thought perhaps I just needed to give it time. The natural beauty of a cool summer seemed to welcome me. I imagined that eventually the people who lived here would do the same. Or so I thought. Don't get me wrong. I did make a few good friends. But for the most part from other people I have been met with judgement, disdain, disregard and rudeness. No kidding. I thought this was my fault. I tried to fit the mold, to be gregarious. I thought the ice would thaw. I became more outgoing. I went the extra mile. Its not the city, it's me. If I were to move away I wouldn't find anyone in the new place either. Still people look right through me. I am invisible most of the time. When I'm not invivible, I am treated with condescension or insults. I even had garbage thrown at me once. It's probably not going to get any better.

Seattle Speak

2006-11-21T19:03:14Z

In Seattle, "Lets do something together."
Means rather: "Lets never do anything together."

In Seattle: "I saw you walking down the street yesterday."
Means rather: "I made sure you didn't see me because I was afraid you might want to say hello."

In Seattle: "You seem rather aggressive. I think you come on too strong."
Anywhere else it would be: "I think you're a friendly person."

If you are walking with someone and the two of you happen to meet someone else coming the other way, and if your friend with whom you are walking stops and says "hello" to the other person, no one ever gets introduced.

The traffic is a mess of congestion and road rage.

In Seattle parties are for standing alone in a corner or talking with people you already know; they are never for meeting new people.

In Seattle cars never stop for pedestrians despite the myth that they do.

Anyone who says it hardly ever rains in Seattle is in denial.

Seattle has hoards of homeless people who urinate everywhere.

Seattle merchants are in love with sandwhich board signs, and don't care if progress down the sidewalk is impeded or stopped altogether by their ugly and dangerous advertising.

Seattleites of every age wear electronic isolations devises (iPODs etc.) so that they don't have to interact with others.

In Seattle people fling insults and bitchy remarks generously and without provocation.

Seattleites stand in busy places and refuse to move aside for other people trying to pass by them.

Seattle is filled with churches, and consequently Seattle is filled with hypocrits.

Unless you happen to be handsome, no one in Seattle will give you the time of day.

In Seattle no one goes to the library to read books . Instead, Seattleites go to the library to surf the web or to sleep.

In Seattle people will smile at you as long as you keep your distance.

Phone numbers given to new aquaintences are never used in Seattle.

In Seattle everyone wants to know what you do for work in order to place you in a hierarchy. No one gives a damn about anything else.

In Seattle poetry is a psuedo-sport not a literary endeavor.

In Seattle poetry is not about the poem, but about the poet.

In Seattle we talk about coffee as if it were wine.

In Seattle we whine as if the gods hate us.

In Seattle we hate everything that is "commercial" but buy lots of stuff anyway.

Seattle is filled with anti-social mysanthropes, posers, cock teases, vegans who smoke, and holier-than-thou hippies who drive old VW vans that blow large clouds of pollution out of their back ends.

In Seattle we vote on the same things over and over and over again. No law is ever final and nothing is ever done.

Dogs and pigeons wander around the gorcery stores and poop wherever they like.

The air in Seattle is toxic.

Condos are spinging up like mushrooms. And renters are forced south as the city becomes more and more gentrified.

The busses in Seattle are filthy and stinky.

There are two chills in Seattle. One comes off Puget Sound. The other comes from the people who live here.

The repuation Seattleites have for politeness is a sham. Their politeness goes no deeper than a gesture.

Crows and Squirrels in Seattle are aggressive, mean spirited and downright diabolocal.

Politeness is a way to keep people at arms length; to interact only on the most superficial of levels.

Seattle is all about making money. No wonder five thousand millionaires live here.

The people of Seattle are priggish, sanctamonious egotists.

I have seen rivers of puke running down Pike Street.

The Seattle social scene is superficial, distant, tribal, stultifying.

In Seattle too many eyes are made of ice.

Seattle sucks.